Staying

What am I doing?
I graduated today.
And I'm crying so hard that I can't swallow because the snot in my nose is so thick and abundant that my ears will feel the pressure of a swallow.
Why did I do that? I could have just stayed and gotten a normal degree and I could have fixed my fucked up grades. (Cum Laude is so kind of embarassing.)
And what if I never see my best friend from this year again? We got so close this year, and watched so many movies and I'm going to miss him. Dammnit I miss him now! And he's just left town sometime... probably. I don't know. This year, he developed deeper friendships, and I, I just lonlied. Why did I do that? But I did this before! This feels like graduating from high school. Nothing like big celebratory events to make me feel lonely. But I had such a great year. I mean, it sucked, but I had the best spring I've had in three years. And now? Now I'm going to write out what I'll say to my mom when she tries to comfort me about a poem I wrote. She snuck a peek into the poetry compilation when I couldn't stop her.

And I miss dating. Not that I ever did much, but I miss feeling physically close, side pressed to side. And I want so desperately to cry in front of someone. Someone who I can be held by.

Everyone is so happy for me, so surprised, so congratulatory. And I just want someone to mourn my previous life with me. Even though I'm staying here.

Staying in the same place after I graduate is leaving and staying all at once. And it feels like it's mostly staying behind.

Lingering here after I graduate is leaving and staying all at once. And it feels like it's mostly staying behind. 

There are photos everywhere already, of everyone else. I have a few pictures others took, but I couldn't bring myself to ask for pictures of me on my phone.

• Was I celebrating? Or just mourning my success here?
• They were better friends with each other.
• Why should I draw attention to myself. I'm not really even proud of what I did--because I just rearranged my old accomplishments to get here. I had no finals, no senior presentation.

So now, I'm just, being here. No pictures on facebook to say the words for me: Surprise! I graduated with a less difficult degree because I didn't want to spend more time and money here after a mental health year! Yay!