This is a blog. About grief. A glog.

This is a blog. About grief. A glog.

Friday, March 13, 2015

Leaving School. And Going Back

So, in this post AND in this one, I referred to the fact that I "quit" school. And I've said before, when I'm feeling more flippant about the whole thing, that  I dropped out. Neither of which really hit it on the head. Really, I forced myself to quit, or take a break. And when I say forced, I don't mean I applied huge wells of raw willpower to myself and decided to leave. I mean that I was doing so badly, and my attendance and motivation to care about school were so low, that my behavior meant I could fail an entire semester...or realize I needed change.

Luckily for me, I'm too scared to fail, so I quit instead. Well, I took a medical leave of absence. After postponing in order to have a place to live until the end of the semester and take advantage of my unspent food point voucher things.

I've spent the last year living in town, working extra at the coffeeshop (woo, savings!), and occasionally thinking about grief. But I honestly think I've progressed.

Signs of Progression

  • wanted to read books last summer about people grieving. (did like Wild.)
  • spent a lot of time crying over dishes. (after closing, particularly fall and summer)
  • felt desire to do more and try to follow through on things like getting involved--ish (did community volleyball and started swimming fairly regularly in pursuit of triathlon goal)
  • started this blog!
  • cried in front of friends about Dad (late last fall)
  • cried in front of coworker (last month)
  • rediscovered town library!! (2 months ago or so)
So that's good. And now that it's mid-March, everyone's been asking about everyone's school plans...including mine. Which terrify me. Originally I was supposed to (according to me) take one full year off, and then go back and finish.

This scares me. Am I ready? Eh. Maybe.

Signs/Thoughts: I am ready

  • see "Signs of Progression" Understand this means I've increased my emotional vulnerability and honesty.
  • I'm never really going to feel ready. I'll always feel scared. I'll never feel "fixed." So, waiting is just giving into fear, whereas going is a bit of a matter of determination, once I'm at stage where I can handle it.
Signs/Fears: I am not ready

  •  I've repeated a pattern of "break (summer break, that is), school, depression, staving off failure," so many times. I really don't want to do that again.
  • I don't think I've really replaced my habits. I think I often use the internet to avoid thinking or feeling anything difficult, so it's possible that this year has only been a vacation and that when I go back, I will revert back to old coping mechanisms and habits.
I guess the only step left is to just go and see what I need to do when I get back and start thinking about it, because I'll need to find that info out eventually anyway.

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