This is a blog. About grief. A glog.

This is a blog. About grief. A glog.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Ugh, Headache

Ok, so the previous two posts were mostly written three days ago, when I started the blog. I just spent the last two nights trying to find a quote in a book I'd just finished, without success, and couldn't post until I found it. So I just put in the quote I think  it must have been. But all this to say, it looks like I need a new "rule:" always post immediately. Don't get off the glog until you've posted what you've written. What I write is supposed to help connect me to my emotions that I don't like connecting to, so it's better to just post what I have because it's emotionally true at that moment, than to wait until the right wording comes along.

So far, that's the first rule of the glog. I've been hesitant to give myself a daily posting schedule or something, because I worry that I'll disappoint myself. But I'm even questioning that. I've a headache and I'm pretty sure it's because I've stayed up until or past 4am for the last, like, three days. And I don't intend to, really. I thought to myself earlier, I should really get to bed by 10, or at the very least midnight, just earlier today! But I've sucked at going to bed reasonably all year.

I think it's because I'm scared to sleep. I don't have nightmares or anything, don't worry. I'm pretty sure I don't even dream about my dad. But there's something there. Maybe, like I told Becca at work today, I just don't like relaxing enough to let go and allow myself to sleep. And I keep pushing myself until sleep overwhelms me.

Honestly this new attitude to sleep is a bit odd. It's been very severe this last year. And as far as I recall, last year, I slept as much as I possibly could. Especially during that one period where I tried to sleep through my entire life, resulting in me quitting school for a while. It's shit like this that makes me frustrated and also vindicated--see? This is why I had to leave school! I can barely focus on cooking myself good meals, let alone, revolve my entire day around getting school crap done! And that is incredibly frustrating to admit...especially publicly.

I was so proud of myself on Friday--I cooked myself and Alice Indian food, (only my second time making Indian something from scratch!) and I created deliciousness! And I made chocolate chip cookies (Saturday?) And last week, I kinda lost myself in making some pretty great cupcakes. I almost wanted to start making stuff a bit more regularly. And by that I mean baking stuff, because I can barely eat food that I make because I'm at the coffeehouse during food hours so much. But yeah, then I start sucking at sleeping, and eating, too.  And I was late for the second day this week. (fuuuuuck.) So yeah. Maybe I ought to start doing this a bit earlier. And watching less tv online. (Yeah, like that's going to happen without some major change in my life.) Sigh. Frustration!

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